89) 12 down 1 to go...

Getting into HSC year now, I know we don't officially call ourselves yr 12 until the 2010 HSC exams have been done and dusted but I can't help but have a renewed sense of personal worth now that we're on top.

I'm Chisholm House Captain and I feel really good about this next year, I'm confident in all of the Captains that we'll be able to do the best job any SLT has done before.

Yr 11 is over, and the primary focus of my year group atm is our senior jackets :P taking their time as usual, So we won't be seeing them until the start of next year.

Anyways, I just wanted to express the joy in being the eldest in the school, not having to be 'mindful' of the current yr 12's doing their work etc, and although i'll miss a few of them, generally I don't mind that they've gone and taken all their problems and issues with them.

~~~

On a different note, I've booked my P's test and i'm going for them on the 29th of this month, wish me luck aye (: I'm sooo keen.

88) there is no fate but what we make it.

I quite enjoy shutting out the world and immersing myself in the world of Superheroes where anything and everything is possible. The super-powered individuals who make it their soul purpose in life to protect humanity, in fact all life.

When I finish my years of learning I hope to follow in their footsteps, but I suppose not in the same way that my idols do in their comic books, kicking ass and taking names (: No, I'll train hard in the ADF and with a team of skilled soldiers I'll make my mark on the world.

I'm plating my feet firmly in the ground, preparing myself for the next complication. I'll be ready, that's what studying is for. Looking forward to my future and what the next few years are gonna bring (:

...there is no fate but what we make it.

87) maybe it's just me

Are you the one I've been looking for? Just so we're clear, I'm a lot different to what your use to. But maybe that's a good thing. Do you think you might want me as much as I want you?

Living a life in denial of what is so real is...absurd. The confusion I have is misguided, my logic playing a larger role then my heart which has been misplaced somewhere within the depths of my soul. Are you real? is what I am to you real? Maybe I'm under false pretenses.

If it's meant to be it'll happen...But i'm a man of action, I don't do well being idle. Watching what I love slip out of my hands. I'm still young, I'm allowed to make mistakes, but you won't be one of them. Pushing the problem to the side is only a band-aid solution, it's still there, just covered up.

"What should I do?"

A solution, an answer is what I would like to hear. Waiting, sitting, wishing and hoping. Everything I didn't want to do. Indecision holding back the words in my mouth, threatening to blurt out and tell you how I feel.

It's a great feeling when you say hi or look my way and smile, because I know, even if its just for a second, that I've crossed your mind...

...your on my mind.

86) when life gives you lemons...you throw them back and ask for oranges!

National MUNA 2010 was a definitely something i'll remember for the rest of my life. It was a great experience and I learnt so much of the course of that weekend about the world than I have in any of my previous geography lessons.

Definitely love meeting new people and the level of maturity that was shown during events and the flowing nature of the entire assembly. It was a long weekend and I made some new friends, definitely worth the fatigue I'm having right now.

"Who are we? FRANCE"

~~~

Snow trip was a blast, had a great time shredding the slopes at Smiggins, Perisher and Blue Cow. Started with Carroll Day starting with the mass, then trivia in my Superman suit, activities and finishing with the concert which abruptly ended for me dues to the bus for the snow.

Anyways, Saturday we hit the slopes, starting the morning with a two hour lesson then enjoying ourselves at Smiggins and moving to Perisher with a small group of mates after lunch to hit up the terrain park (: That definitely caused some bruises.

Sunday was actually a really great day, we started the morning with a couple of runs down smiggins then moved to the terrain park at perisher, then came back for our lessons where we journeyed back tot he terrain park for the lesson. afterwards we returned to smiggins for lunch and Mr Fogarty told us to go to Blue Cow, where he'd meet us (which he didn't).

Coming down side saddle, Rhys makes a hug stack on his ski's and I stopped to wait for him, watching the rest of the lads speed by. Rhys was having a hard day and was pretty frustrated at that stage. The guys got on the chairlift and disappeared, leaving me and Rhys. We had a good run back to smiggins initially lost, however after asking for directions made a speedy return to smiggins (: turned out to be pretty fun.

~~~

Doing my School Captain Speech tomorrow, wish me luck (: Hoping I do my year group proud, only want what's best for them (:

85) third times the charm

Had a pretty chilled day. Went to the movies with her, and had a chilled time. This feeling I have when your around, I didn't think I would get it back. I think I was just happy that I have someone. I'm still trying to find out what she sees in me. I suppose that's a normal feeling, inadequacy. I'm just afraid with my final year of High School fast approaching I'm not gonna have time for her. I'd hate myself for making her wait for me.

Good movie + Good company = Great time (:

~~~

Got most of my snow gear with Fanny and his gf afterward. Drove to my relatives house and got a couple of boards and bindings and a few snow clothes (: Getting Keen.

MUNA is coming up, leaving for Canberra on Friday. A lot to look forward to (:

Things are looking up,

anfern.

84) a thousand voices fill the room and your is the only one I hear

You probably expecting another sappy spiel about me complaining about 'love' well...I'd hate to disappoint haha :|

Well my day was, enjoyable, going to the careers market and Canberra Mosque. It was an interesting and rewarding experience. I got a lot more information about my future career path and I know what I want to do and how I'm gonna do it.

On the other hand, things seem to be working out with her, but I'm not sure if I should. She's great, don't get me wrong but I don't think I'm good enough. I wish there was someone that could just tell me what to do sometimes, have the foresight to know how things will turn out. Then maybe I wouldn't be so indecisive some days.

Then again...Dad always says 'FOCUS ON SCHOOL!, you have the rest of your life for all that other stuff'...easier said then done aye. It makes perfect sense, but then again I am just a teenager and I want all that 'stuff' that's been denied to me. DAMN ASIAN PARENTS AND THEIR STRICT RULES AND REGULATIONS!

You don't want me to cross the line, then don't draw one!

my rant is done (:

anfern

83) like a candle burning in and out of existence

Death, I suppose can be good? if the person who has died merely survived, at least now we can rest knowing they are off on some far away place, happy, free and safe, seeing all their lost loved ones. One day when i'm old and senile I won't take up a bed in the hospital or nursing home watching the seconds tick by, as I count the minutes and hours as they turn into days, months and years. While I reminisce about past adventures. The day when I become a burden, a chore, is the day i'll want to die.

It's hard for me to watch my mother and grandmother mourn, If i feel this sense of loss and pain, then what must they feel? As tears of sadness soak the ground, I can only watch, comfort with a simple hug. I know that there better off now. We all saw it coming. But does that make it any easier?

~~~

How fragile life can be. Like the flame of a candle burning brightly as it comes into life and as it burns, so to does our existence. We may choose to burn strong and fast to leave a pulsing memory for those to come, or we may choose to linger, merely exist. As the wax pours down the sides and reshapes itself, so too, do we mold our lives.

One day your life will flash before your eye's, Just make sure it's worth watching...

...Rest In Peace Great Grandmother, I only wish I got to know you more.

82) one door closes, another one opens

Just when I seemed to be between a rock and a hard place, Life reveals unexpected things. Although the door has been shut, another soon opens and I find myself peering in. Allowing that to take hold of my focus and allowing me to concentrate on other things.

~~~

Yesterday after school I came home and starting reading. My dad comes in telling me to come outside, I assume of course that there's something for me to do. Upon reaching the front door he tells me to close my eye's, which I do reluctantly. Upon opening them I see a dark blue Subaru Outback parked in the driveway. Completely oblivious I thought we had a relative down I hadn't seen for a while, "Anthony, here's your car". I was absolutely dumbfounded. I had the biggest grin on my face, I couldn't believe I could have a car this good for my first car. I have yet to discover the year etc about it but I can get my P's in under 3 months.

~~~

I've got my application for work experience with Royal Military College Duntroon going in. So hopefully get accepted so I can go have a look at what I'll be doing for my career (:

That is all (:

anfern

81) Music Philosophy

80) In a minute there is time

So many decisions I need to make. Life has just been confusing and I've discovered some answers to my questions but not the answers I want. At one stage you seemed as real as the air in my lungs. Yet, somehow things changed and you left, leaving me breathless. How quickly your opinion changed that I didn't get a chance to tell you.

The void seems to get filled but as soon as I'm comfortable some rushing wind takes away my security and content. All i'm left with are memories of you and me, and the texts that remind me of what could've been.

Now I'm back to square one. But i'm not planning on pursuing that path anymore. I've been played and left wanting. However, today made me realise when we talked, things are awkward and you'd made up your mind how it was going to be. I was lost for words at your bluntness and couldn't organise my thoughts. What came out of my mouth wasn't witty remarks or smartarse comments, but waffle and murmurs.

I feel like all i've done was waste time, I wish you'd never sent that text. Leave the coals to burn out, not rekindle the fire. We're done.

79) a good last day

Last day of the holidays. It was probably the most constructive day of the week (: Started off by going to my mate's house and having a Jam with a group of friends. We ended up writing a song. Well, they did the music, I came up with the lyrics. The rest of the day has been spent getting ready for school, homework, uniform etc.

~~~

It's been a good break you could say. I no longer feel like a shadow, following people from place to place but rather doing my own thing, my own way.

Things have changed so much these past two weeks, friendships made and lost, clouds cleared and fog appeared. Some days I would know what I had to do, who I wanted to be with, then the next I wouldn't. Confused, the one word I would use to describe how I felt.

There's a lot of stuff that's happened in these past two weeks that I never even thought would. But they did and I guess that's just life, unexpected, relentless and a cold hard bitch.

Then again certain people have made me extremely happy,just by the things they've said. It's been...heart-warming, to say the least. I hope things work out between us and that someday soon we'll find the time. I can wait, but I'd rather not, every second we waste is another second we won't get to be together.

I can be your hero...



...but only if you'll let me.

78) consequences

Well things haven't changed I meant what I said. But I know I went too far.

77) another chevron

The first week of the holidays for me have been spent at Singelton Army Barracks for a promotional course to become a Sergeant or Staff Sergeant. It was a pretty full on week. I learnt so much in that week about myself and about what I was doing in the Corp.

During the week I did a lot of spontaneous singing, which definitely left a good impression on the rest of the course (: I passed the course, every assessment completed first go. It was overall a good week.

The the bus trip home I think was the best part of the trip. I got pretty cosy with someone else. She made me realise that there are others around that would respond well to my advances as well as making some of her own. That I could move on. Although I knew nothing more would come of that little experience, at least not in the near future. The entire week has been one eye opener after the other.

~~~

Thanks for telling me. I thought we were close enough friends that you could at least let me know. Instead I found out from someone else. I don't even care that your with someone, Just the fact that you didn't tell me shows how much I mean to you.

76) irony

You summed it up perfectly. I'll ask you what's wrong, you won't tell me, you ask him what's wrong he won't tell you. Where's the justice in life when the one that you want is right in front of your eye's but your too busy looking the other way to see it.

75) what will I do when the time comes

I've made myself comfortable with how things are going. Neither here nor there, on the borderline between two very different titles. I don't know what I'm gonna do when it happens, my heart will probably break unless I find something to replace it. Your one of a kind, nothing and no-one will ever replace the space you fill.

not feelin very optimistic

~~~

On a different note, school is pretty much over for me, As of friday it's full on musical rehearsals and performances...Pretty keen fingers crossed it'll all work out.

Anth (:

74) another long day

my weekend wasn't too bad. Thanks for asking (: Saturday was pretty lush, woke up at 7ish and text'd someone, they know who they are, then went back to sleep till 1ish. I felt so good after I woke up. I bummed around the house feeling to good to ruin it with homework or other such things. Instead I decided to read away the couple of hours till I had to go to work. So I worked my normal shift with Jess. Just us two which we ended up getting a $41 worth of tips. Good night I think (:

Today was pretty good. Wasn't keen on waking up early but it didn't bother me that much. Rehearsals from 9am to 5pm. It wasn't too bad, everyone was moving and things got done (: It's looking pretty good. Now I just need to get my costumes :s

So around 4:30 Dad calls me and asks me to work for a couple of hours at the restaurant. So I walk from the RSL hall to the restaurant and I work for a couple of hours. Very long day.

Dad says he's gotta get something in the bay from my uncle who is gonna get back to the bay around 10ish. So he's asked me and Nathan to go watch Prince of Persia.

So in about 20 mins we shall head to the bay and go watch the movie. Pretty damn keen!

Anth (:

73) pretty hectic

Last couple of days have been pretty full on.

Wednesday was the start, With the school we went to go watch Wicked the musical, which blew me away, I was in awe of the entire show. Although things didn't go the way I planned and was knocked back every time I tried, It didn't really matter cause you distracted me from my thoughts, thank you. It was the most tiring bus trip I've been on, and I've been on my fair share. But this was totally worth it.

Next Day I wanted to stay home, But I forced myself out of bed and went to school, knowing I had Industrial Tech, Music, Double Maths and Double Advanced English, I was exhausted after that. But I thought to myself, I'm not the only one tired, there's a fair few number of people who are feeling the same, so I'll just tough it out, I'll go home and sleep it off. I lay in bed ready to let the fatigue of the bus trip and school take control. Then I hear the phone ringing, a minute later my little brother, Ethan, comes into my room and tells me I have to go out to the restaurant to work, because they're busy. At that stage I thought to myself, Okay fair enough, Grandparents are gone, I'll just go and do it without complaint. So I work how ever many hours it was, wasn't really counting, just wanted it to be over. After they let go home at like 9ish I realise I have a fair amount of homework to do. So my night ended around 12 o'clock. Sleep was a great relief.

Next day, Today, I woke up at 7 am Realising that today we'd be moving the music equipment to the RSL hall in Moruya. No big deal I've done this before, I got to school to find that most everyone has gone to Moruya already, So John Rzepa and His dad were there tying the stage down on their truck. So go with them to Moruya. Getting there we carried to stages into the hall, Keep in mind that I'm still tired from the previous couple of days. Then driving back to school for the second load, It took us 3 hours to make both the trips load and unload the truck. I was pretty spent by the end of it ): But that was only the morning. Afterwards, because there was only a small number of people their, due to hospitality which meant more people didn't come, but with so much work to do, it made everything take twice as long with less people. Here's just some of the things I did:

• Carry equipment to truck
• Load truck
• Unload truck
• Carry equipment into RSL
• Sort equipment
• Decide where the table are to go so the stage can be propped up
• Lift stage
• Help to secure stage
• Walk into town to buy cloth tape (solid black tape)
• Hang up backdrop
• Attach lights to suspended poles
• Test lights
• Adjust lights
• Attach Razz Matazz (big ass light) to ceiling
• Set up spotlight
• Cover stage with stage curtain

That's as much as i can think of everything else is kinda of a blur. Well that was a long day but it wasn't over, I'd come home and had 30mins to get ready for work. Leaving the house at 4ish I cam out to work till 9ish. Not too busy so that was good, well good for me. I'm hoping to catch up on some sleep tomorrow morning.

I think I've had enough excitement for a while, unfortunately for me I'm not due for a long rest until the second week of the holidays ): Hoping I can keep my cool till then.

Anth (:

72) I think I make a pretty good best man (:

So the start of this little story probably begins last Friday. As I found out that rehearsals we're not on this Sunday which meant that I was going to be going with my family to Ulladulla for some wedding. So come Sunday morning, Suit pants, Long sleeved shirt and black skinny tie. The usual dress for a wedding, yes? So we made our way to Ulladulla, stopping at Macca's because my little brother was hungry, Then continuing to the Church in Milton. Fairly straightforward so far? Well we get there with no problems and I see a whole bunch of Vietnamese people I don't know. Not really a surprise, I kinda expected as much. Well I walk down there with my Dad and they start talking in Vietnamese. Then I start hearing them talk about me, This may come as a surprise but I was the tallest Vietnamese person there, saying how tall I was and how big I'd gotten and then complimenting my dad on how he has such a handsome son. The usual spiel I get from these kinda people. So the Groom comes up to my Dad and I'm pretty sure he asks him to be the Best man, mind you this is hell short notice cos the wedding was about to start in like 5 minutes, So my dad decides to palm it off to me. Thanks dad. So me and my infinite knowledge of weddings has somehow managed to arrive at a wedding were I know only a few people and am expected to fill the role of the Best man. Oh Boy!

Okay well no biggy I'll just wing it, not like I had a choice though :s So the bridesmaid I was with, Denny, Didn't know what she was doing either, Mainly cos she's never been in a church before, she told me as we were about to start. Well she was actually quite pretty, don't know how old she is though, she was shorter than me and wuite petite, but that's all I could discern. So the ceremony took place, Me and Denny had to get up a few times here and there. Then the weirdest thing happened, I suppose not really weird, I had to sign my name on the Marital document. So I thought to myself, Okay Vietnamese wedding, Vietnamese couple, i'll sign with my Vietnamese name. So I go to write it, Ta Tan Hy(shit wrong letter, oh well try and make a quick recovery) ynh Anh (my Vietnamese name is Ta Tan Huynh Anh). So I spelt my name wrong haha I suppose it didn't really matter, The fact that I signed it is good enough. So after that we went to the Ulludulla Palace which is a restaurant one of my relatives owns. Had lunch there and then after everything was done went home.

Pretty good day, until I had to come home, get changed and go to work ): Because my Grandparents are overseas I had to work the front by myself. Is very boring but I suppose I didn't really mind, If I wasn't working I'd have to be doin my homework. My iPhone definitely made the night go by faster, I bought the phone the other day off my Aunt Trinh who works in Phone Zone, excellent saleswoman (: So yeh had some fun with that while I was waiting for food to be cooked, customers to eat etc.

I like weddings, I'm pretty keen for my own (: I know that's years off but it's nice to think about. I think I'll be a dad before I'm an Uncle. Anyways, I think I've talked enough.

Anthony (:

71) don't be so naive

Wow, and to think I actually thought things were turning out fine. Things aren't as clear as they used to be. I thought...well it doesn't matter what I think. In the end it's not enough, I wasn't enough. Ha it's funny that I actually thought it could happen, things looked so promising. It seemed as though you were right there but in the end it was just the dancing shadows in the thick fog. Will it ever clear?

70) worth a read (:

This blog is of my friend Jessica Jane Walton. She started blogging around the same time as myself and she's really quite good (: I've briefly told you about myself going to Wagga Wagga a couple of posts ago but I believe this post really sums it up.

Take some time to have a read...

http://lifeaswechoose.blogspot.com/2010/06/sixtyfive-what-life.html

Follow her...She's quite the blogger I think you'll find that you'll enjoy it (:

69) it's sorted

Okay so I'm kinda liking how things are at the moment. Yes the routine is still there but lately its been broken up a bit by excursions and what not (: I've made some decisions that I feel good about. At the end of this year I'm going to drop music.

I remember when I first started I did it because I thought'd be cool and my Dad pushed for me to learn an instrument because music was such a big part of his life growing up. As I grew up I did it to pick up girls, Those of you who know me will see how that turned out. There's not really a lot of chances to show people how hard you've worked. Especially at my school there's not a lot of opportunities. I suppose if you love something it shouldn't matter. But I can't not practice and practice to have no one see how hard I've worked. Then it just becomes time consuming and pointless.

But I suppose I'm not too fussed about that anymore, just enjoying being here. Heres to another day. Hoping for a better tomorrow.

68) borambola

So I could probably talk on length about my weekend but at the moment i'm too tired to think. It was a long drive to Wagga Wagga but totally worth it. I got see some people I hadn't seen in months and meet a few people. I've come back feeling a great sense of accomplishment.

It's good to be home though. Man am I tired. Night (:

67) when it rains

When it rains in Moruya the streets glow with lights. The water seems to make everything seem alive. I love the rain it's so soft or strong whatever it feels like. It brings the perfect conditions for a good sleep, I'm a little confused as to why I'm still up.

It's been a good day, I felt I just had to say that I guess. There's a lot coming up in the next week. This weekend I'll be heading to Wagga for some Ab-Sailing course. Next week on the Tuesday I'll be going to Canberra with a few other people for the Arch Bishops Lunch. Okay so I know it doesn't seem like a lot but for me, especially in my dull and uneventful life. These 'excursions' we'll call them are gonna be a welcomed change.

Well it's a few minutes past midnight and my eye's are starting to close on their own. I'll be thinking about you. You don't read this so it ain't a big deal that I say this. Well at least I don't know if you do. The suns sets on another day as the rains come in to wash away whats left. The glow of the streets fade as the water dries up. Things resume their usual appearance. Waiting, patiently to come back alive.

66) waiting

So I sit here, waiting, for nothing in particular. Just waiting. Expecting something to come out of now where and change my life. At time things can just seem so repetitive, Like you've got no control of what happens. Well the reality is for some of us we don't have a lot of choice. I want to get my P's so I can escape from this boring routine every once in a while. Something exciting to happen once in a while isn't too much to ask for is it?

Made a new friend tonight, Katrina Almazar, I thought she'd might like a mention (:

Not much else to discuss, everything else seems like a fuss (hey that rhymes).

Bear with me I'll find something more to blog about, but right now, this is all I have.

65) chiller of a day

Fairly chilled day...mainly bumming around due to the fact that I had no exams that day and I was unable to practice for my music exam because the music rooms were occupied when I went in.

First and second was free period because 6/7 of the year group was in Hospo exam. So the remainder headed for the oval to chill. That didn't last long, Mrs Cohen, Mr MacAteer and Mrs Lyttle all had say on where we should be.

So we stayed in the resource center for the remainder of that period, during which Mrs Lyttle came in to tell us that many complaints were being made about the Yr 11's as a whole not applying themselves.

Fair enough, but we've had exams all week so cut us some slack! Second period we went to PE, I'm not in the PE class but seeing as there were only like 4 people left that were we joined there class and Charlton let us kick the footy around for the period. Me and Tom decided to go have jam in the music rooms. So pretty chilled morning (:

So third and fourth were normal classes which was in this case double maths. We ended up being kicked out our usually room due to exams, but for some reason we didn't have a room change so we all wen ton to the oval. Mind you we had a sub, forget her name though.

Fourth period we had the American Teacher, Mrs M-something. She gave up trying to get us to do work about ten minutes in and then joined in the conversation.

Fifth and sixth period was double Advanced English, which no one was looking forward too. Mrs Cohen was gonna have our hides cos of our performance in the English exam, which I hate too say, she's right. But after a little talk about it and discussing what we need to do next time we moved into a different room and watch the film version of 'A Midsummer's Night Dream'. The ending of the film was pretty good.

After school I had to go to the bay for guitar lessons with Peter Rich, Bus driver missed me stop, fuckwit. So I started walking and along the way I met this pretty lookin lass from Bay high. I walked passed her and said Hi and she just giggles and was all shy like.

Whilst I was walking I met up with Nathan Blackburn and we walked up the hill, I asked him if she knew who she was. BTW Nathan thought she was hot too, just so you know i'm not exaggerating. Anyways he told me her name. Next week i'm determined to get her number.

I went over to Nath's house for half an hour to kill time before my lesson. So we talked about school and what not. Then I left for guitar lessons, after guitar lessons got to drive home.Peak traffic at like 5:30pm. Was heckers driving on the highway then.

Really good day. Keen for tomorrow (:

64) enough of the theory let's get into it!

Music theory tick English tick Industrial Technology tick Maths tick Ancient History tick. So with five down and Music practical exams on Friday I'm feeling pretty good (: The weight and stress of exams hanging over my head is starting ease, Things are starting to look up.

So even though exams are over, there's still a lot going on. Musical rehearsals, Wicked the musical, Work, Cadets, Some Canberra excursion with Haimer and hopefully MUNA is gonna happen. Oh yeah almost forgot about the snow trip (: So Keen!

Today was pretty chilled Maths exam in the morning, I felt pretty good about it, I'm hoping to be in the 90's. Ancient, I finished with an hour to go, not saying it was easy but I just sped through it for some reason, which is unknown to me.

Today we started talking about Senior Jackets and there was a big debate about what kind to have, mainly the guys wanted jerseys but the girls didn't want them cos they didn't look good with their skirts. I'm neutral for the moment. What I really wanna do is push for nicknames. So i'm planning on organising a sheet with everyones preferred nicknames so we can show it to Mrs Luvall. If we tell her that we're not gonna put any rude names on it etc then i'm positive she won't say no.

I'm just hell keen (: Study day tomorrow so that should be sweet. Gonna get a whole day to practice my two songs. I wanna get good marks with my practical exam cos I know my theory marks are gonna be awful.

[: Anthony ;]

63) changed by you

Out of sight out of mind right? Well it's getting to be that way. If you no longer see someone it doesn't mean they don't exist. Everything that was still remains the past lingers and reminds. Reminds me of what used to be.

Please wait while i slowly untie my tongue tonight

I pray by some feeble attempt

My words would tell you what my heart has to say

Cause you've always been right beside me for so many days

How could i be without you now

Finding something new. I'm not sure how I feel anymore. How to determine truth from lies, no longer giving the benefit of the doubt and just assuming that whatever it is, is a lie until proven otherwise.

Cause i am changed by you

The more i get to know you

The more i want you close to me

And i'll take care of you

Please just say you love me

Forever be whatever you need

Caution is taken with every prospect. I no longer have the desire to put myself out there. Just to be torn down when I'm feeling comfortable.

And so if your supposed to get what you deserve in life
And you came just in the nick of time
God's grace has overtaken me
My love needless to say i am blessed by you
Cause you are the one
You are the one that i've been waiting for
I've been waiting for

I can't talk to you about anything. I no longer wish to try, when in return I'm given silence. Someone to fill this empty void.

And i am changed by you
The more i get to know you
The more i want you close to me
And i'll take care of you
Please just say you love me
Forever be whatever you need

I'm not asking for a lot. At least I don't think I am. Would you take me as I am? Or do I need to change. If I have to change would you be worthwhile? Hesitation grips me, grips every fiber of my body until I absolutely know what i'm doing.

You knock my fears away

And reach inside me with your eyes

And light a burning fire

And i can not stop staring

There is something about you, That's always been there. Why am I still hesitant? Should I have something to fear? But i'm not a fearful person. I'm aware of consequences I guess. It's what shapes my morals. I want to change, but not so that no one recognises me, just enough to make you want me.

And i am changed by you

The more i get to know you

The more i want you close to me

And i'll take care of you

Please just say you love me

Forever be whatever you need

What to do now, when life seems to have shut all your doors. No one has the power to see behind the doors. But everyone has the power to open them. I think I need to open one.

~~~

The lyrics are from Changed By You by Between The Trees.

62) what we leave behind

Although life may a seem pointless at times. If we all took that attitude towards our lives nothing would ever get done and we'd still be living in the stone age. Yes your right, when were dead our HSC scores from 60-70 years ago might not matter. But in 60-70 years we'll have a lived a full life. You'll be gone but you'll leave behind your legacy. Children, grandchildren and maybe even great-grandchildren will remember you and you won't be forgotten even if you don't become the next Martin Luther King.

School is only a small part of our lives. It's not useless to try our best, to make something of our lives and for what you leave behind. This is something I dwell on a fair bit too. One of the most commonly asked questions, 'what is the meaning of life?'. Whether someone will ever come up with a definite answer is beyond me and to be honest I don't care all that much. I'll be like a star, burn brightly for millions to see and then, when my time is up, extinguish my light to make space for something new.

Yes, exams are coming up and people are working hard to achieve the best results they can. But they're not just doing it for now. They're also working towards their future. The smarter you are the better job you can get, the more money, the more financial security for your family. It's all relevant.

Your not alone, Dig deeper, see yourself how I see you.

My mind is pacing and my heart is racing contemplating things that I lack.

61) Exams = Stress

Feels like it's been a long day. Exams are next week and I've done little study. I want to do well but I'm not putting enough effort in. I suppose if I really cared I wouldn't be blogging right now. I suppose I don't really need to worry about exams that much. What I want to do in the future doesn't require me to get 100% in anything, just as long as I pass. But, I don't want to to just pass, I want to exceed the expectations.

This essay draft is coming along, slowly. I've been flipping back and forth turning sheets over here and there finding TEPA's and writing topic sentences. My desk is cluttered with sheets and pens. I'm so frickin tired. Not just in the mornings anymore but all the time. Just exhausted of the constant thinking and analysing. The learning and the repetition. Your brain never being able to switch off. I have not watched a movie where I have not analysed and thought deeply about how they would've produced it. The camera angles, the storyline etc. The whole thing just isn't what it used to be.

The stress of it all is becoming apparent in class. If you've ever stopped to watch, Everyone in class just get so restless, no longer wanting to do work, just sit and chill and talk and laugh. I can't blame them. Anyways I better finish this work.

60) looking back

All that has been said and done has been for nothing when you won't even reply. I stare on helplessly as you go through your struggles. Wanting to help but never being allowed. I ruined the one chance I had. I gave it all up on a whim. Repairing bonds that never should have been broken. It's human nature to want more. I hate myself for doing this to you. Giving you a sense of security someone you could talk to. It was what I also wanted. To be needed by someone special. You were that person. But for some reason I didn't accept it. Now i'm left. Not knowing what to do.

I told you I had things to sort out. Whether you believed me or not was all that I was worried about. I thought my conscience would be clear if I told you the truth about what was going on. I never meant to cause you anymore pain. Your so strong willed and you've been through so much.

I'm done with all my petty issues. I'm ready to be who you need. The person who you can rely on. Maybe even lighten your burden. Whatever you need. You were always there, right in front of my eyes. Looking back, I can see that now. I'm making an effort to talk, I just hope my words don't fall on deaf ears.

~~~

Just when I thought things were getting back to 'normal'...exams take hold of me. Oh well, at least that's all I have to worry about. Not. Musical rehearsals - trying to find the time to rehearse lines has become an arduous task. Not to mention my maze of a social life.

Time to get to work I guess. I got a long few weeks ahead. Head down, no looking back. But then again, looking back is all I seem to do.

Kinda contradictory?

59) Love you mum (:

Happy Mother's Day to all those mums and mums-to-be. Has been a long day, woke up and had to get ready to go to rehearsals at school. Before I left I set up the ingredients to make French toast for my mum. However, seeing as i was short on time, I woke up my younger brother and told him to cook it. I had cracked the eggs, cut the bread and gotten the pan out ready for him to cook the breakfast. Quickly whisking away at the eggs in the shallow bowl. I closed the door and hoped he wouldn't mess it up.

The previous day I went to the bay with a friend and her friend to get something for mother's day. I left the house with money in my pockets and only the slightest idea of what to get my own mum. I followed my friend around for the first part of the day looking all over to find something right. It's extremely hard for guys to pick clothes for girls, so I was happy I had her to help me out. However, we soon ruled out clothing as a gift. Make-up was another idea but I soon discarded it. Then we saw perfume. The small selection at K-mart didn't appeal to me So my friend suggested a shop and we made our way down there, but not before getting a card (:

So whilst in the shop, It was called Beauty and the Beach or something along the lines of that. There was a nice lady there helping us out. I went through a few perfumes, spraying my friend with a couple to get the smell. Finally choosing the one I thought suited my mum the most. Leaving that store I felt quite relieved, now all I had to do was wrap it (:

It was a good day yesterday and today. Although despite stating in my recent blog that I want to catch up on some sleep. That most certainly did not happen. Contemplating having a bit of a nap before I start studying.

Happy Mothers Day Mum, Thanks for everything you've done for me. I hope you know how much you mean to me.

58) wait and see

No words of wisdom today. Just an update. Exams start on the 17th. Oh joy : s The weekend is near. Mothers Day on Sunday. Nothing besides work and study for a bit. Although I'm looking forward to the weekend. I'm keen to sleep in I guess (:

Looking to be a good day tomorrow, we'll just have to wait and see.

(:

57) guitar metaphor

Playing guitar always allows me to clear my mind and relax. Just focusing on the notes and chords I'm playing. Even just singing the lyrics of a song. I've had a thought. I know shocking stuff. But chords are made of notes when played in the right groupings they create a beautiful sound. Some notes sound bright and happy contrasting with the lower more dull notes. However, when yous use both notes in a chord everything sounds right.

People are like notes. All different, and although some may sound similar, they aren't. Just like noted people make make groups, and when I'm talking about groups I'm referring mainly to school cliches. If you put the wrong notes together it doesn't sound right, if you put two people together that don't get along well, there's bound to be strife. So you can kinda see where I'm going with all this. But when you get people hat fit together, as notes they work out okay.

Society can be revealed through the most common of everyday objects. One of the most common objects in my life is my guitar. This wooden instrument with its steel strings have taught me a lot about myself and world I live in.

However it also reveals a lot about myself. I do not know how to group all notes perfectly. It's kind of a reflection of myself. My judgment is greatly flawed by my lack of understanding. I'm no pro guitarist. So the most I can come up with is this simple guitar metaphor.

I make my own music ;)

56) study

So went for another run tonight. Was good, ran all the way up Murry street and past the Gundary oval, the public school, golf club. Was exhilarating, the storm clouds accumulated over head the dark outlines threatening to bucket down.b I missed cadets tonight in the hopes of getting some work done and to start some study, however, only a little work got done, bit of maths and religion here and there. But mainly played guitar.

I want to get good marks for these up coming exams but I just can't get into the right mindset. Well I got a good two weeks to try and get some study done. On a different note, touch comp tomorrow for the school, Going to be playing on the Red Seniors team against our Junior Reds counterparts.

Anyway my very few readers, I am buggered.

55) your smile

Two posts in one night, whoop di doo. I suppose I wanna make up for missing a few nights. I kinda had some inspiration hit me, so just bear with me and lets see where it takes me.

So I make an effort to talk to you to be friends with you, But I guess your just in your own little world with your own problems. I wish i'd given you more attention when we'd first met, maybe things would be different now. Trying to start conversations with you is like trying to talk to a brick wall. I'm not asking for much, just some time. Your an emotional roller-coaster, I don't know what or when to say something to you. Are you just ignoring me? Or do just find me irritating? If so let me know I'm walking blind here and I just want some answers. Why do you think guys are afraid to commit, it's because there afraid of being being shut down. We only do things if we're certain.

People can be so hypocritical sometimes. Wanting people to express their feelings and expecting change when they aren't willing to do so themselves. I'm no different, I've been hypocritical at times. Your so hard to read and I just wish I could've gotten to know you better. There's so little time and school is just getting harder and harder. Before we know it we'll be doing our HSC and we'll never see each other again, or maybe we will, but will it be too late? I'm being fairly vague and this may just be coming out of no where.

There's this one memory that I have of you that is embedded in my mind. For some reason I just can't seem to forget. Every time I think of it, it just makes me happy. Your smile.