51) no time to rest

I thought I had everything under control, But the influx of school work continues to increase. I had a rest night last night. Seeing as all I do on the weekends is work so I don't get a lot of rest. I've got a pretty bad work ethic. But last night, for some reason, the exhaustion from the entire week hit me at once, I was struggling to keep my eye's open. Even today when I should be doing my Maths, English and Studies Of religion homework. I just can't be fucked, and I know that sounds really lazy and slack but I just can't help it. I'm starting to feel trapped again.

If things couldn't get any worse, My heater died in my fish tank a few days ago and my fish have been suffering from the cold, not to mention a serious fungi endemic hitting my little fish. The result of the two have caused me to lose two of my silver sharks, two of my red tail sharks, two black widow tetras, fourteen peppermint plecos and one suicidal Dwarf Gourami who decided to jump out of the water, unfortunately to his death. Now I'm left with just one peppermint pleco, two electric yellows, one bluish cichlid and one Flame Dwarf Gourami. So i'm pretty cut at the moment, that as soon as autumn hit and the cold crept in, my fish couldn't handle it.

Even still the fungi is taking a hold of the remainder of them, and while I try to cure them with the numerous liquids my fathers has told me to pour into the water. The tank water has taken on a greenish tint and i'm half expecting them to mutate into something else.

Well tomorrow is cross country at the school. which will take place periods 5 and 6. I'm so unfit, so i'm probs gonna struggle a bit. Oh well. No time to rest.

50) harder than I thought

I thought I had you were I wanted. But I've come to realise that my attention should have been directed somewhere else, someone else. How naive I was to think we could've been something. Now you have nothing to do with me and I have nothing to do with you.

I've taken the time to fill this bowl with memories. Then, all of a sudden it's been knocked over and I'm left with nothing. Just wading my way through the water, trying to fish out what I can. But I suppose now is better than late. Even if now is late. I suppose we're through, but there's still a small part of me that's not letting go, finding any excuse to say something, anything.

I've grown up, but I suppose you can't see that. I feel as if in your eyes I'm still the young naive little child I used to be. But i'm not, I've grown up. I'm more than strong enough to handle my own problems. I'm also old enough to know when I'm not wanted. I can only be pushed away so much till I have to give in to your wants and yield.

Change is inevitable, swift and subtle. Before you know it everything you once knew will have been left behind to make way for something else. I hope you find what your looking for and the comfort you so truly deserve. I'm making my way through the barren wasteland of your emotions, zero visibility from your silence and a heavy heart from the pain I feel.

49) long weekend

I'm kinda happy that we had the long weekend this week. I don't think I ever would've gotten the annotations for my English narrative fixed up if I didn't. Although today was pretty chilled, Nathan had his friend over so we spent the morning watching movies and chilling on the couch. However after endeavoring to wake up early to get the English work out of the way so I could spend the rest of the day relaxing, I did the exact opposite. I had even planned to go play golf with my uncle, But I think he forgot, And to be honest I was pretty tired. Having spent yesterday waking up really early and marching for the most part of the morning then having lunch with most of my extended family, later that night having to work. So sleep was looking good, Even though I woke up at 9 am I turned off the alarm and slept in until noon.

Come 7pm I knew I had to get those annotations done. Which took me about 3 or so hours to complete. I kinda see where Mrs Cohen is coming from when she says we'll fall behind if we don't put in half an hour a night. Also thank you Alex King for not being at school on Friday. We would've been royally screwed had you not spoken. I really do love when Mrs Cohen has those exceptionally nice moments where she gives us an extension on a task (: But then again She's probably expecting some pretty damn good annotations. Quite frankly I don't think mine quite hit the mark. I suppose I exhausted myself last time I tried to annotate it, And now I was just repeating myself. I guess we'll just have to see when I get my mark back.

School tomorrow, I'm kinda looking forward to it. Besides the mental raping of our brains in English. It shouldn't be all that bad. Also Tuesday night at cadets is gonna be an all practical bush night, which promises quite a fair bit of fun (: Looking forward to tomorrow.

48) Lest we forget

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old;

Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.

At the going down of the sun and in the morning

We will remember them.

- The Ode

ANZAC Day, the 25th April. War brings many things; Death, Pain, Sorrow, Grief, However, For Australians it was considered our 'Baptism of blood', It gave our country a chance to show the world what we're made of. This day commemorates Australia's unity in adverse conditions. Demonstrating the qualities of Aussie diggers.

As always, today is a great day for my Grandfather. Thanh Ta, Who served as a captain in the south Vietnamese army. Although he lost all his medals when he left the country, He still maintains his pride through us, his children and grandchildren. Today; myself, my brother and cousin marched with the 222nd ACU in Tomakin and Moruya. Just the look on his face and the pride swelling from his chest as he walked with us. Before we left he showed us off to all his mates, like a kid shows off his new toys. I'm sure he felt very accomplished today, and so did I.

Today is a day of remembrance, commemoration and thanks, Thanks to all those who have served, home and abroad.

Lest we forget.

47) picking up the pieces

First week back at school draws near. What started out as excitement and anxiousness, soon turned to stress and frustration. Leaving for a week of school last term, I'm still catching up. In some cases I won't be able to, just from the lack of time.

I got a lot of work done tonight. If only I could be this productive every night, I wouldn't have anything to worry about. School is school, what are you gonna do about it?

These few sentences hardly count as a post. But I'm endeavoring to write more, Trang, The girl who got me into blogging has asked me to 'update' and so I shall. Hoping that some spark will light the flames of my inspiration so I may continue writing like I use to. With more passion and depth. Not just this useless dribble that seems to have made its way out of the labyrinth that is my brain (:

The sun sets on another day and brings darkness to the world. Like a heavy blanket the hustle and bustle of day soon turn to the quite and calm of night. As the world rests, dreams come to fill the minds around. As for me, I feel as if I cannot dream. But instead I must continue to pick up the pieces.

46) falling behind

I can't shake this feeling. Like i'm being held back by some imaginary force. Then I realise the only thing that's holding me back is myself. I shouldn't care what other people think, as long as i'm happy, right?

But then again how fast can opinions change. Where do these changes come from? Suddenly seeing someone in a different light. Knowing something that they've trusted you to and not seeing them any differently.

A lot of the other blogs are talking about boyfriends and girlfriends. How everyone has one. Shut up, as if your not pretty. Anyways this was always gonna be a short post. I'll try and catch up for all the days I've missed.

Everything seems clearer when you take a second glance. But I just can't help but feel like i'm falling behind.

45) So it begins

Sorry that I haven't blogged in a while for those of you who care. School resumes tomorrow and we'll have to start wearing our winter uniforms. I feels as if i droned through these holidays. Being required to work everyday gets old fast. So like many other students I'm doing that last minute homework. That should've been completed throughout the holidays. So now i'm in for a late night and a tiring first day of school.

I wanna talk about something profound and meaningful, but like always I can't. Looking at my computer screen and my minuscule efforts. But I'm confident once school resumes and i'm back in that routine. I've had a lot of time to think these holidays. Spending most of my time by myself. How anti-social facebook and blogging can be, however, I haven't really posted much have I?

it seems as though i'm starting all over again. Except I have a pile of English work to be done. But other than that. Things are getting harder. Friendships getting difficult to hold on to. One of my mates came back down for a week these holidays. Despite early attempts to keep in contact. I had little communication with him, it's amazing how a thing like distance can cause people to forget.

Well enough reminiscing. This term is gonna be pretty heckers with the musical coming up. As well as the half yearly exams. I know it's practices for the real thing but I still need to take it seriously. Gottta be prepared to see 70 or so of my fellow yr 11's stressing over it. So it begins

44) Back to basics.

I've been feeling quite complacent these holidays. Having little to no fun. Tonight really got me thinking about my younger years. When I used to love going to the restaurant with my parents. Watching them cook food. Putting a bunch of odd looking liquids with other ingredients to make something great. it was a really quiet night. Most of the customers had stopped coming in around 7pm. So that meant that there was little for me to do. But tonight, I went out the back to the car park. Playing street soccer with the youngsters. I hadn't had this much pointless fun in ages. It's funny how such a simple activity can be so enjoyable.

When I was little, to pass time these are the kinda things we would do while waiting for my parents to finish work. We'd come up with the weirdest games. i also soon realised the dangers of running on concrete. The limits of how high we could kick the ball so it wouldn't go on the roof. How to get the balls if the went all the way over. I remember one time ninja-ing my way through the nissan dealer to get a ball. I had booted my brothers ball all the way over the roof. So I had a look around. Scoped out a few vantage points and chose the best one I could. Climbing a few stacked up oil drums I scaled the fence and climbed over, landing on car display rails. Walking down them. Keeping my head low to avoid security cameras. I grabbed the ball. threw it over and went back the way I came, climbing up the rails over the fence and jumping down the oil drums. I still remember the feelings of accomplishment and pride as all my younger cousins smiled at me and their awe in the way I did it.

How simple life was back in those days. Not a care in the world. I always wish I could remember what it was like to be a baby. To just sit back and relax as people did everything for me. They got it pretty good. Meh, we all gotta grow up. But once in a while it's nice to just get back to your roots. back to where it all started. Back to basics.

43) lost for words

I over-analyse that's one habit I can't shake. Every word you say I scrutinise. But I know it's not about me. At least I don't think it is. I haven't had much to think about these holidays. Because nothing has happened besides work. So when my mind decides to wonder. You can bet where the first thing it goes to. You.

Would life have been easier if I had never bothered. Maybe. But that's not me. I can't sit by so idle and not act. When it comes to the people around me. I want them to be happy. Right now. I don't know what to say. What should I do to make things right. I don't want to say something wrong and hurt you. For this to be blown out of proportion. I don't even know what I'm on about anymore. I'm so confused. Maybe i'm just imaging all this tension. Maybe my boredom has turned me to insanity and i'm making all this up in my head. Someone wake me up from this nightmare. This nightmare that I created. This nightmare that I created.This nightmare that I created.This nightmare that I created.This nightmare that I created.

42) as clear as mud.

Words fill my vision in the form of riddles. That's what you are to me. I try to understand. But until you give me the clues will I be able to find an answer.

Until then I can't help but feel lost and confused. The endless questions that fill my already crammed head. I'm losing focus. I don't know what to do.

~~~

On a different note:

Canberra Drivers - Their wreckless driving is giving me the shits. Overtaking me when there was oncoming traffic on a continuous line. How fucking stupid can you be. Okay I understand you wanna get to your destination faster. But speeding doesn't always help. better slow and steady then dead.

41) windows into the soul

How long can I deny my heart. Till it ceases to try and guide me. It's like a war rages on inside me with every decision I make. Inner turmoil threatens to make me go insane. Emotions like a storm, cloud my judgment. Your eyes stare into my soul and I can't seem hide. The pain in your eyes, that blank stare. I don't want to make eye contact. Cos I know you'll see how I feel.

I'm sorry.

I love you.

40) how long till we no longer...

It's hard to to show I care. Being held back by what people will think. Some days I just want to show I care and to give them the attention they need. But I can't because people will get the wrong idea. Showing a smile when there's clearly something wrong.

Keeping a promise can be hard. Pushing that person away through the slightest actions. Taking liberties cos you know it's for the best.

Miserable at best by Mayday parade. Give it a listen.

39) 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1 *silence* it's a dud!

So much for starting out the holidays with a bang. Again these holidays I'll be stuck at home working. The lack of my P's being the main contributing factor. Good Friday, First official day of the holidays. Though it seems like the good times ahead are non-existent. Working during the holidays is normal for me I guess. I don't think I've ever had a holiday in the 'holidays'. Always working for the restaurant. No choice, it's my duty to help my parents. That's not a big deal, of course I'm going to work for them. They're my family and the rely on me to do this.I suppose it's not all that bad I get a bit of lee way when it comes to some things, Not that I slack off or anything. Tonight was busy, that's a good thing for the business. I mention that it was busy cos it usually means night goes by fair quickly. I suppose that's a good thing.

Another short post. Couldn't be f#%ked really.

p.s. This image kinda reminded me of myself. For those of you who didn't already know, I work at a restaurant as a waiter.

38) just an update.

I miss what use to be...

A new year promises new beginnings and new opportunities. But if you read the fine print - A new year also promises change.

Somethings you never want to change; friendships, people and feelings. I say that I don't want things to change but I've been the instigator in most cases. Just don't enjoy ending the term in a low I guess.

I'm not really in the mood to write. Just felt like updating.