68) borambola

So I could probably talk on length about my weekend but at the moment i'm too tired to think. It was a long drive to Wagga Wagga but totally worth it. I got see some people I hadn't seen in months and meet a few people. I've come back feeling a great sense of accomplishment.

It's good to be home though. Man am I tired. Night (:

67) when it rains

When it rains in Moruya the streets glow with lights. The water seems to make everything seem alive. I love the rain it's so soft or strong whatever it feels like. It brings the perfect conditions for a good sleep, I'm a little confused as to why I'm still up.

It's been a good day, I felt I just had to say that I guess. There's a lot coming up in the next week. This weekend I'll be heading to Wagga for some Ab-Sailing course. Next week on the Tuesday I'll be going to Canberra with a few other people for the Arch Bishops Lunch. Okay so I know it doesn't seem like a lot but for me, especially in my dull and uneventful life. These 'excursions' we'll call them are gonna be a welcomed change.

Well it's a few minutes past midnight and my eye's are starting to close on their own. I'll be thinking about you. You don't read this so it ain't a big deal that I say this. Well at least I don't know if you do. The suns sets on another day as the rains come in to wash away whats left. The glow of the streets fade as the water dries up. Things resume their usual appearance. Waiting, patiently to come back alive.

66) waiting

So I sit here, waiting, for nothing in particular. Just waiting. Expecting something to come out of now where and change my life. At time things can just seem so repetitive, Like you've got no control of what happens. Well the reality is for some of us we don't have a lot of choice. I want to get my P's so I can escape from this boring routine every once in a while. Something exciting to happen once in a while isn't too much to ask for is it?

Made a new friend tonight, Katrina Almazar, I thought she'd might like a mention (:

Not much else to discuss, everything else seems like a fuss (hey that rhymes).

Bear with me I'll find something more to blog about, but right now, this is all I have.

65) chiller of a day

Fairly chilled day...mainly bumming around due to the fact that I had no exams that day and I was unable to practice for my music exam because the music rooms were occupied when I went in.

First and second was free period because 6/7 of the year group was in Hospo exam. So the remainder headed for the oval to chill. That didn't last long, Mrs Cohen, Mr MacAteer and Mrs Lyttle all had say on where we should be.

So we stayed in the resource center for the remainder of that period, during which Mrs Lyttle came in to tell us that many complaints were being made about the Yr 11's as a whole not applying themselves.

Fair enough, but we've had exams all week so cut us some slack! Second period we went to PE, I'm not in the PE class but seeing as there were only like 4 people left that were we joined there class and Charlton let us kick the footy around for the period. Me and Tom decided to go have jam in the music rooms. So pretty chilled morning (:

So third and fourth were normal classes which was in this case double maths. We ended up being kicked out our usually room due to exams, but for some reason we didn't have a room change so we all wen ton to the oval. Mind you we had a sub, forget her name though.

Fourth period we had the American Teacher, Mrs M-something. She gave up trying to get us to do work about ten minutes in and then joined in the conversation.

Fifth and sixth period was double Advanced English, which no one was looking forward too. Mrs Cohen was gonna have our hides cos of our performance in the English exam, which I hate too say, she's right. But after a little talk about it and discussing what we need to do next time we moved into a different room and watch the film version of 'A Midsummer's Night Dream'. The ending of the film was pretty good.

After school I had to go to the bay for guitar lessons with Peter Rich, Bus driver missed me stop, fuckwit. So I started walking and along the way I met this pretty lookin lass from Bay high. I walked passed her and said Hi and she just giggles and was all shy like.

Whilst I was walking I met up with Nathan Blackburn and we walked up the hill, I asked him if she knew who she was. BTW Nathan thought she was hot too, just so you know i'm not exaggerating. Anyways he told me her name. Next week i'm determined to get her number.

I went over to Nath's house for half an hour to kill time before my lesson. So we talked about school and what not. Then I left for guitar lessons, after guitar lessons got to drive home.Peak traffic at like 5:30pm. Was heckers driving on the highway then.

Really good day. Keen for tomorrow (:

64) enough of the theory let's get into it!

Music theory tick English tick Industrial Technology tick Maths tick Ancient History tick. So with five down and Music practical exams on Friday I'm feeling pretty good (: The weight and stress of exams hanging over my head is starting ease, Things are starting to look up.

So even though exams are over, there's still a lot going on. Musical rehearsals, Wicked the musical, Work, Cadets, Some Canberra excursion with Haimer and hopefully MUNA is gonna happen. Oh yeah almost forgot about the snow trip (: So Keen!

Today was pretty chilled Maths exam in the morning, I felt pretty good about it, I'm hoping to be in the 90's. Ancient, I finished with an hour to go, not saying it was easy but I just sped through it for some reason, which is unknown to me.

Today we started talking about Senior Jackets and there was a big debate about what kind to have, mainly the guys wanted jerseys but the girls didn't want them cos they didn't look good with their skirts. I'm neutral for the moment. What I really wanna do is push for nicknames. So i'm planning on organising a sheet with everyones preferred nicknames so we can show it to Mrs Luvall. If we tell her that we're not gonna put any rude names on it etc then i'm positive she won't say no.

I'm just hell keen (: Study day tomorrow so that should be sweet. Gonna get a whole day to practice my two songs. I wanna get good marks with my practical exam cos I know my theory marks are gonna be awful.

[: Anthony ;]

63) changed by you

Out of sight out of mind right? Well it's getting to be that way. If you no longer see someone it doesn't mean they don't exist. Everything that was still remains the past lingers and reminds. Reminds me of what used to be.

Please wait while i slowly untie my tongue tonight

I pray by some feeble attempt

My words would tell you what my heart has to say

Cause you've always been right beside me for so many days

How could i be without you now

Finding something new. I'm not sure how I feel anymore. How to determine truth from lies, no longer giving the benefit of the doubt and just assuming that whatever it is, is a lie until proven otherwise.

Cause i am changed by you

The more i get to know you

The more i want you close to me

And i'll take care of you

Please just say you love me

Forever be whatever you need

Caution is taken with every prospect. I no longer have the desire to put myself out there. Just to be torn down when I'm feeling comfortable.

And so if your supposed to get what you deserve in life
And you came just in the nick of time
God's grace has overtaken me
My love needless to say i am blessed by you
Cause you are the one
You are the one that i've been waiting for
I've been waiting for

I can't talk to you about anything. I no longer wish to try, when in return I'm given silence. Someone to fill this empty void.

And i am changed by you
The more i get to know you
The more i want you close to me
And i'll take care of you
Please just say you love me
Forever be whatever you need

I'm not asking for a lot. At least I don't think I am. Would you take me as I am? Or do I need to change. If I have to change would you be worthwhile? Hesitation grips me, grips every fiber of my body until I absolutely know what i'm doing.

You knock my fears away

And reach inside me with your eyes

And light a burning fire

And i can not stop staring

There is something about you, That's always been there. Why am I still hesitant? Should I have something to fear? But i'm not a fearful person. I'm aware of consequences I guess. It's what shapes my morals. I want to change, but not so that no one recognises me, just enough to make you want me.

And i am changed by you

The more i get to know you

The more i want you close to me

And i'll take care of you

Please just say you love me

Forever be whatever you need

What to do now, when life seems to have shut all your doors. No one has the power to see behind the doors. But everyone has the power to open them. I think I need to open one.

~~~

The lyrics are from Changed By You by Between The Trees.

62) what we leave behind

Although life may a seem pointless at times. If we all took that attitude towards our lives nothing would ever get done and we'd still be living in the stone age. Yes your right, when were dead our HSC scores from 60-70 years ago might not matter. But in 60-70 years we'll have a lived a full life. You'll be gone but you'll leave behind your legacy. Children, grandchildren and maybe even great-grandchildren will remember you and you won't be forgotten even if you don't become the next Martin Luther King.

School is only a small part of our lives. It's not useless to try our best, to make something of our lives and for what you leave behind. This is something I dwell on a fair bit too. One of the most commonly asked questions, 'what is the meaning of life?'. Whether someone will ever come up with a definite answer is beyond me and to be honest I don't care all that much. I'll be like a star, burn brightly for millions to see and then, when my time is up, extinguish my light to make space for something new.

Yes, exams are coming up and people are working hard to achieve the best results they can. But they're not just doing it for now. They're also working towards their future. The smarter you are the better job you can get, the more money, the more financial security for your family. It's all relevant.

Your not alone, Dig deeper, see yourself how I see you.

My mind is pacing and my heart is racing contemplating things that I lack.

61) Exams = Stress

Feels like it's been a long day. Exams are next week and I've done little study. I want to do well but I'm not putting enough effort in. I suppose if I really cared I wouldn't be blogging right now. I suppose I don't really need to worry about exams that much. What I want to do in the future doesn't require me to get 100% in anything, just as long as I pass. But, I don't want to to just pass, I want to exceed the expectations.

This essay draft is coming along, slowly. I've been flipping back and forth turning sheets over here and there finding TEPA's and writing topic sentences. My desk is cluttered with sheets and pens. I'm so frickin tired. Not just in the mornings anymore but all the time. Just exhausted of the constant thinking and analysing. The learning and the repetition. Your brain never being able to switch off. I have not watched a movie where I have not analysed and thought deeply about how they would've produced it. The camera angles, the storyline etc. The whole thing just isn't what it used to be.

The stress of it all is becoming apparent in class. If you've ever stopped to watch, Everyone in class just get so restless, no longer wanting to do work, just sit and chill and talk and laugh. I can't blame them. Anyways I better finish this work.

60) looking back

All that has been said and done has been for nothing when you won't even reply. I stare on helplessly as you go through your struggles. Wanting to help but never being allowed. I ruined the one chance I had. I gave it all up on a whim. Repairing bonds that never should have been broken. It's human nature to want more. I hate myself for doing this to you. Giving you a sense of security someone you could talk to. It was what I also wanted. To be needed by someone special. You were that person. But for some reason I didn't accept it. Now i'm left. Not knowing what to do.

I told you I had things to sort out. Whether you believed me or not was all that I was worried about. I thought my conscience would be clear if I told you the truth about what was going on. I never meant to cause you anymore pain. Your so strong willed and you've been through so much.

I'm done with all my petty issues. I'm ready to be who you need. The person who you can rely on. Maybe even lighten your burden. Whatever you need. You were always there, right in front of my eyes. Looking back, I can see that now. I'm making an effort to talk, I just hope my words don't fall on deaf ears.

~~~

Just when I thought things were getting back to 'normal'...exams take hold of me. Oh well, at least that's all I have to worry about. Not. Musical rehearsals - trying to find the time to rehearse lines has become an arduous task. Not to mention my maze of a social life.

Time to get to work I guess. I got a long few weeks ahead. Head down, no looking back. But then again, looking back is all I seem to do.

Kinda contradictory?

59) Love you mum (:

Happy Mother's Day to all those mums and mums-to-be. Has been a long day, woke up and had to get ready to go to rehearsals at school. Before I left I set up the ingredients to make French toast for my mum. However, seeing as i was short on time, I woke up my younger brother and told him to cook it. I had cracked the eggs, cut the bread and gotten the pan out ready for him to cook the breakfast. Quickly whisking away at the eggs in the shallow bowl. I closed the door and hoped he wouldn't mess it up.

The previous day I went to the bay with a friend and her friend to get something for mother's day. I left the house with money in my pockets and only the slightest idea of what to get my own mum. I followed my friend around for the first part of the day looking all over to find something right. It's extremely hard for guys to pick clothes for girls, so I was happy I had her to help me out. However, we soon ruled out clothing as a gift. Make-up was another idea but I soon discarded it. Then we saw perfume. The small selection at K-mart didn't appeal to me So my friend suggested a shop and we made our way down there, but not before getting a card (:

So whilst in the shop, It was called Beauty and the Beach or something along the lines of that. There was a nice lady there helping us out. I went through a few perfumes, spraying my friend with a couple to get the smell. Finally choosing the one I thought suited my mum the most. Leaving that store I felt quite relieved, now all I had to do was wrap it (:

It was a good day yesterday and today. Although despite stating in my recent blog that I want to catch up on some sleep. That most certainly did not happen. Contemplating having a bit of a nap before I start studying.

Happy Mothers Day Mum, Thanks for everything you've done for me. I hope you know how much you mean to me.

58) wait and see

No words of wisdom today. Just an update. Exams start on the 17th. Oh joy : s The weekend is near. Mothers Day on Sunday. Nothing besides work and study for a bit. Although I'm looking forward to the weekend. I'm keen to sleep in I guess (:

Looking to be a good day tomorrow, we'll just have to wait and see.

(:

57) guitar metaphor

Playing guitar always allows me to clear my mind and relax. Just focusing on the notes and chords I'm playing. Even just singing the lyrics of a song. I've had a thought. I know shocking stuff. But chords are made of notes when played in the right groupings they create a beautiful sound. Some notes sound bright and happy contrasting with the lower more dull notes. However, when yous use both notes in a chord everything sounds right.

People are like notes. All different, and although some may sound similar, they aren't. Just like noted people make make groups, and when I'm talking about groups I'm referring mainly to school cliches. If you put the wrong notes together it doesn't sound right, if you put two people together that don't get along well, there's bound to be strife. So you can kinda see where I'm going with all this. But when you get people hat fit together, as notes they work out okay.

Society can be revealed through the most common of everyday objects. One of the most common objects in my life is my guitar. This wooden instrument with its steel strings have taught me a lot about myself and world I live in.

However it also reveals a lot about myself. I do not know how to group all notes perfectly. It's kind of a reflection of myself. My judgment is greatly flawed by my lack of understanding. I'm no pro guitarist. So the most I can come up with is this simple guitar metaphor.

I make my own music ;)

56) study

So went for another run tonight. Was good, ran all the way up Murry street and past the Gundary oval, the public school, golf club. Was exhilarating, the storm clouds accumulated over head the dark outlines threatening to bucket down.b I missed cadets tonight in the hopes of getting some work done and to start some study, however, only a little work got done, bit of maths and religion here and there. But mainly played guitar.

I want to get good marks for these up coming exams but I just can't get into the right mindset. Well I got a good two weeks to try and get some study done. On a different note, touch comp tomorrow for the school, Going to be playing on the Red Seniors team against our Junior Reds counterparts.

Anyway my very few readers, I am buggered.

55) your smile

Two posts in one night, whoop di doo. I suppose I wanna make up for missing a few nights. I kinda had some inspiration hit me, so just bear with me and lets see where it takes me.

So I make an effort to talk to you to be friends with you, But I guess your just in your own little world with your own problems. I wish i'd given you more attention when we'd first met, maybe things would be different now. Trying to start conversations with you is like trying to talk to a brick wall. I'm not asking for much, just some time. Your an emotional roller-coaster, I don't know what or when to say something to you. Are you just ignoring me? Or do just find me irritating? If so let me know I'm walking blind here and I just want some answers. Why do you think guys are afraid to commit, it's because there afraid of being being shut down. We only do things if we're certain.

People can be so hypocritical sometimes. Wanting people to express their feelings and expecting change when they aren't willing to do so themselves. I'm no different, I've been hypocritical at times. Your so hard to read and I just wish I could've gotten to know you better. There's so little time and school is just getting harder and harder. Before we know it we'll be doing our HSC and we'll never see each other again, or maybe we will, but will it be too late? I'm being fairly vague and this may just be coming out of no where.

There's this one memory that I have of you that is embedded in my mind. For some reason I just can't seem to forget. Every time I think of it, it just makes me happy. Your smile.

54) a quiet night

I haven't been very productive tonight, which is weird considering I've got my exam timetable so I know what I need to do. Instead I decided to go for a run, Moruya is most definitely a different place at night. I ran through familiar streets and back roads. However they seemed so mysterious at night, the odd car passing by as well as very few streetlights. At one point I stood at one end of a dark dirt track, deciding whether to go through or not, I was afraid I might fall into a little creek or trip over and break something, However, I trusted my own instincts and navigated my self successfully through that track.

I want to start running more often so I'm fit enough for an ab-sailing course I'm going on at the end of this month. I'm not sure what muscles are needed for ab-sailing so I just wanna be prepared. Well I think I'm gonna attempt to do some homework. My legs are feeling pretty tired so I don't think I'll be moving around much for the rest of the night.

In the cool air outside my door I peer through the darkness of the streets. Different shapes casting mysterious shadows along the road and concrete. One foot in front of the other as I pass house after house, street after street until I finally return home. I stare up at the stars infinite in the sky, promising good weather for tomorrow, tonight was a quiet night.

53) long Sunday.

First Sunday rehearsals for the school's musical 10am till 3pm. Man was I buggered after that. Then, because my grandparents went to Sydney, i had to work at the restaurant. So I've had a pretty full day. I was going to do all my homework tonight but I'm way too tired to do it.

Friday night went with my Dad, two brothers, cousin and Jess to watch Iron Man 2, I actually enjoyed this movie and recommend it to those who enjoy action films. Keen for the 'Avengers' film to come out. What can I say when it comes to these things, i'm still a kid, love the whole idea of individual people making a huge difference in the world. If only we lived in a world were we had a superhero who could stop wars save peoples lives and all those other crisis of the world.

you can see it's late and I'm obviously rambling on. Long Sunday a good night's rest is surely welcome. School tomorrow, oh joy :s

52) broken scales

There just seems to be no balance in my life. If I focus on schoolwork I lose my friends, if I focus on my friends schoolwork gets out of hand. Why don't I just focus on both equally? Easier said than done. I should have stayed home tonight to do the homework that was due today, but instead I decided to go to the movies and mend some broken threads.

I ran the cross country today. Came 15th out of some 50 odd guys in yr 11 and 12. So i'm feeling pretty good about that. I actually like running, although i'm pretty unfit I wanna start doing it more often. I bought an iPod armband for jogging etc, but I lost it the same night I bought it. Which has made me reluctant to start running. Although not running for ages and doing the cross country didn't help much. I had pretty sore hips and there feeling pretty weird right now. Not to mention I had to work tonight. Although it wasn't too busy so it was pretty chilled.

Tomorrow I need to go into town to get some guitar strings and maybe drop by the sports store and get some skins. Well it's pretty late so I think I'll call it a night. Trying to mend the threads on these broken scales, school on one side, social life on the other. My life is constantly in motion never here nor there. The excitement of life is non-existent. I just want to get away. Away where no one knows who I am. Where I can be anyone I want to be. Where I can be...me.