37) creative writing

Do you remember when you were young? When writing a narrative was just about the story. We didn't have to worry about metaphors, similes or hyperboles. When you enjoyed 'creative writing'. Were did all the fun go? Did someone come into my head and take it out.

I thought I was good at multitasking. Balancing everything and getting it done. But lately I haven't been able to do that. My mind has been so hazy that I can only focus on one thing at a time.This 'narrative' has taken up the bulk of my time. The constant analysing and conceptual thinking has made me despise writing. In focusing on this narrative I've managed to neglect most everything else in life. I'm not complaining more having a self realisation of whats happening.

Determination and motivation have gone. no sign of my inspiration.

36) it's just so vague

Okay so I said I would post the rest of my adventures in Queensland up here. But to be honest some of the memories are becoming less vivid with each passing minute. I might put them up when they come back to me.

I'm away from the warmth and the carefree environment. Back to Reality. Were all my expectations have returned and my neglected school work is coming back to haunt me. Although I'm slowly catching up, slowly. School isn't the main issue. It never has been. Not being able to say what I really want to say to you. Then to see you say to others what I've been saying to you all along, I've been constantly hassling you. You'll say this is 'totally different' but it's not. You won't open up, so you can't expect others to do so either. To give and not receive. Your not Jesus. You can't take all the problems of the world. nor all the problems of your family and friends. To put that all on your shoulders. It's not how it's meant to be. Your facade is wearing thin. I try not to show anymore that I care, Cos I know you don't want me to.

And your words are like riddles. With each word raising another question. But not being able to ask you for the answers. I said I wouldn't. I'm never around unless I have to be. Because something will slip out. A phrase, a sentence, a word, a sound. Then it'll all come crashing down. But then again we're not that high up. Still getting past what's been said. I don't know where we are. Everything's just so...vague.

"time heels all wounds" - I hope so.

35) 21st March, Part 2

I was having a break from the noise of my 9 odd cousins running round the house playing...Decided to type again (:

~~~

21^st March and it’s 11:23pm Brisbane time. I’m pretty tired atm. It says its only 11:23pm when my body thinks it’s 12:23pm because of the time difference. Redbull is kind of helping. But I’m starting to feel the effects of 4 hours sleep and over two hours of travel by air and land.

Okay so I’ve been walking round our apartment, organising the little ones. All the 18+ are out. I hate being stuck here, I wanna be able to go out, but I suppose I don’t care all that much tonight. I’m soooo Buggered. After getting off the plane we got onto a bus which took about 45 mins to drive us to the hotel ): Circle On Cavill . But yeh so very tired, we got to the hotel, went upstairs, got changed and headed to White Water World. The rides were fun just the lines were a bit long as to be expected at theme parks.

Not gonna bore you with those details. All my lil cousins had heaps of fun although they didn’t know how to keep themselves warm and one of them, Josh who is 2 yrs Old. Kept shivering, so I had to pick him up and bundle him in towels and warm him up.

So yeh pretty cool, we’re going to Dreamworld sometime in the next couple of days.

On the way back we took a bus. I got on the bus. Looking for a seat I saw Josh struggling to get onto the chair so I had to pick him up. He was pretty tried. Little energy to get on the seat. But you know kids. Always wanting to do stuff, they find everything so interesting such as little Josh looking out of the bus window. On his knees, head rested on the window sil and arms supporting himself. After about ten minutes of staring out of the window I could see he was getting tired. So I took the initiative to cradle him in my arms and he immediately fell asleep. I friggin love kids. Can’t wait to have my own (: But yeh carried him all the way until we got off the bus and I gave him to his Dad to put in his pram.

Okay so we’re at the hotel which is on the 50^th floor. For dinner we decided to go to ‘Conrad Jupiter’ a Casino/hotel, Kinda like Star City but not as good. Ate at the buffet. Was chilled. I had like two plates of random food. Soup. Dessert. SO yeh pretty full. And after today’s events was, is, ready to sleep. But alas I’m still here and I’m still typing on this word document. It’s now midnight here. Which is like 1 o’clock in Moruya/NSW. So I’m still jet lagged. And even though I’ve had two redbulls my body is still telling me to go to sleep.

However, I’m determined to stay awake as I’m supposed to be babysitting. Being the eldest non 18+ yr old around ):

Okay time to get backed to whatever useless thing I was doing.

34) 21st March, Part 1

Okay so this is actually when we're on the plane...my bad. The previous one was just about the drive to Sydney.

~~~

So it’s the 21^st March and I’m on the plane…its 10:52, Sydney time and we’re apparently going to get there at like 10ish…So like back in time? Exciting. We’re flying domestic Virgin Blue. It’s a pretty cool plane.

We’re thousand of metres into the air. The clouds are so close you could almost reach out and touch them. A light white haze covers the windows. Looking outside everything seems to mesh together. As the plane moves further away from the city and continues on its northerly course to the ‘Gold Coast’. We have this male flight attendant that is like fluent in Mandarin…I think that’s pretty cool, his name’s Kurt.

Okay so now we’re above the clouds. Really trips you out being above the clouds. They’re so thick it’s as if you could stand on them…The ground is no longer visible. I keep seeing parts of the ground through gaps in the clouds.

It’s all pretty exciting although the novelty of being on a plane has subsided. Being up here, It really puts things into perspective. How insignificant each individual is but put us all together we can do some pretty great things.

I’m kind of rambling now, and my laptop is almost out of power. So i think I’ll end this post here. When we land we’re suppose to get like a shuttle bus to our hotel and from there we’re going to go the ‘white water world’, I think?

You know what I might just write a letter to virgin blue saying how good it is…Reference this ‘Kurt’ guy he could get a promotion hahaha

Kinda wondering what I would be doing if I was still in Moruya. Probably at home being my usual anti-social facebooking, blogging self. Anyways this post is getting a bit lengthy.

So the captain just made an announcement, we’re 39 000ft in the air. And I also wanna say this before I forget…Fucking Chinese passengers wouldn’t shut up when the flight attendants we’re trying to do the little safety brief…Fucking annoys me that they can keep talking when there trying to help. Ridiculous!

Okay now I must wrap this up. I’ll probs do another journal entry/post tonight.

As we drift through the clouds, a low rumbling caused by the planes turbines, Outside the world seems so peaceful, So beautiful, Clouds splotched in random patterns along the canvas of the sky.

33) 20th March 2010

Okay guys so this is a little epilogue to my Queensland trip. I believe I was writing this post on my laptop int he car and again on the airplane.

Enjoy (:

~~~

So I’m starting this online journal of sorts for my Queensland trip and subsequent drive to and from Sydney. I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to access the internet whilst I’m up there so I just plan on writing on a word document and just copy and paste in chronological order. Yeah, you get the idea.

Okay so right now, I’ve got my laptop out and its 11:30pm and we past Ulladulla like 20 or so minutes ago. We left Moruya pretty late because we had to pack up the front counter and kitchen of my family’s restaurant. There are some renovations will be taking place whilst we’re away. The owner of the building ‘Barry Greg’ is doing it for us (: Such a nice man he is.

Okay so what to talk about? I suppose my expectations for this trip? Well besides being fun, I don’t really know what I’m going to be doing up there exactly. I’m just trusting in the adults to know what they’re doing. My aunties a pretty experienced traveller, not to mention we’re all Asian, so bargain hunting and cheapness runs in our blood (:

Wow I’m so bored…I’m sitting in the car…it’s too dark to see anything outside except for the passing cars and the odd motorcycle…inside the car my brothers are fast asleep next to me…And my folks are just talking in Vietnamese…So I’m pretty bored ): The age gap between me and my cousins makes family occasions a little boring at times. Meh, what are you going to do about it?

I’ve had a good ramble right now, Must turn this thing off, I’ve been typing for a good…WHAT! 7 mins!...SHEESH…This trip is taking for ever…I might sleep for a bit…See how that takes me (:

So the date is Saturday the 20^th March, time is 11:38pm…Journal update no.1 *yawn*

32) music ):

so I know I promised to put those journal entry things up...But I think that can wait til I get back to Moruya.

Okay so I've had a fair bit to think about up here in the clean sea air. Looking on my latopand the work I brought with me. There is a Music assessment task due, where eveyone is required to write a song and score it etc.

Mine isn't getting done. Though more through lack of trying and my lack of inspiritation. Music has lost its flare. I'm gonna talk to Mrs Hogg when I get back but before then i'm gonna talk to Mrs Maher about it. I'm strugging so muc with it. I'm kidding myself thinking I can do it. I don't get the enjoyment from it that I use to. Once upon a time it was so interesting so enjoyable. It came to me alot easier.

I hate being like this...I wish I made a more informed descision at the start of the year instead of a quarter the way through...

I'm just a little diheartened I guess...Missing a cetain someone...Haven't talk to her in a couple of days...Yeh, Miss you Emilie ):

31) holiday?

okay...I'm on my uncles computer...I don't think i'll be able to access the internet up there...

So what i've sdecided to do is to write a few posts in a word document on my laptop which i've brought from home.

It's 8 am and i've had about 4 hours sleep ): The next couple of blogs will be a sort of journal...in blog form.

I'm pretty tired atm...and i've still got to get to the airport which like 30 mins away and then an hour plane trip? So i'm gonna go now...

I'll try and get those blogs up if I can...But worst case scenario I'll be uploading about 6-7 posts at once (: Alot of reading for those of you who enjoy my blog hahaha

OKay...till I write again (:

30) : |

I want things to move fast, I'm so impatient. But I go through everything so quickly I rarely stop to enjoy what's happening here and now in my life...taking for granted the time. Wanting to be older, to be done with this chapter in my life, I want to start anew. But then again this segment isn't over there's still a few acts to go...A few life lessons to be learnt.

I knew what I wanted, now things have changed, I'm so unsure, so confused. I hate not knowing what I want to do. To be behind enemy lines, uncharted territory. Looking to the future, I take the present for granted. Looking miles ahead instead of what's immediately around me. I can be so blind.

This blog has been my only place were I've opened up lately ): I don't wanna say i'm giving up, but that's what's happening. This arguing has stopped. The repetitive questions are gone. Replaced by...silence. I don't know what to say or do next. I'm tired. I'm speechless.

...'If you love someone you'll set them free'...Just let go. I have.

29) Long day...

So pretty much had the longest day ): Let me waffle for a little...So 1st Ancient In-class Assessment, 2nd Free-Went to the timber rooms to work on my project, 3rd &4th Music - practice songs for upcoming liturgies, 5th Maths test, 6th Timber.

So I've had a pretty full day...not too mention work was boring...I still have the narrative draft to be completed. I barely managed a couple hundred words last night ):

~~~

Anyways...What I really wanted to talk about...

hmm...Today felt like a daze...Just moving from one place to another...getting things done...I spent most of the day doing my own thing...I was really focused but really tired...Every period took a little out of me...and by the end of the day I felt accomplished but drained.

When it came to work...I just had no energy to talk, to be hospitable to the customers, to give you some attention. I'm sorry about that but I was, am, so very drained. Give me some sleep and i'll be back to my usual self (:

Cracks between friendships are staring to show in my year group. I always though that with my year the little groups were so tightly meshed together. But lately the fractures are starting to show...to reveal the inner workings of these relationships...and how they're tearing each other apart.

I'm gonna get away from it all...on Sunday I shall be on a plane heading for the Gold Coast...Although family can be pretty tiresome at times...I think this trip should allow me to see how much I love my them so much.

They're an odd lot...but what do you expect? Family is family, these people you don't choose but are genetically told to love, to care for. Friends are the people you choose...so it makes it hard for me to see friends argue, even though I do it myself, I never thought it would happen to them.

Soo if i'm able to access the internet up there i'll keep blogging (: maybe even put up some pictures (:

28) made my day.

I like never talk on the phone...like have full conversations with people...the whole wasting credit etc etc usually the reason but today...I hadn't heard from her in a while...I guess I like talking to you.

You've made my day...I dunno finding comfort in the little things I guess...Getting over people is made easier when there's someone else out there that can grab your attention...Stop thinking and just doing...I spent a good half an hour on the phone with her this afternoon...Just hearing her voice I guess makes my heart feel lighter...all my problems seem to be non-existent in that time.

It seems I've found another source of inspiration.

I just thought I'd update those of you who read...that you've got nothing to worry about...and that although it's only been a week or so...not being around you has made it easier to move on...I just want you to know that (: And now that I am 'moving on'...I guess I can accept.

Life is looking up (:

~~~

On a different note I have a maths test tomorrow, was suppose to be on today but it got moved because of an assembly, I also have an Ancient History test, Yay Me : | Then there's the English Narrative Draft that needs to be given to my Advanced English Teacher, Mrs Cohen *sigh* and because i'm going away all next week I need to write a statement of intent for Industrial Tech by tomorrow...

Pretty much the next 24 hours (minus sleep) is gonna be lame. Full day of school and assessments and then I have to work ): oh joy.

Okay enough complaining, time to get into it...Oh dinner's ready (:

"someday i'll take you here..."

27) extra...oh joy : |

Well time to rant...I suppose life is fine (:

I'm going to the Gold Cast this Sunday...heading for Sydney Saturday night... so i'll miss like 4 days of school : |

That means i'll have to catch up on those 4 days over the last week of school : | I hate catching up on work...being behind in classes is definitely no way to go.

This entire term has been about coping with schoolwork, 'balance' as Mr Bath put it so eloquently. Myself and i'm sure most of my year are tired...of the amount of homework, late nights and early mornings...some of us having after school classes...It can all seem a bit much at times.

But it's ironic that I complain about all this and still decide to audition for the musical...Which I got a lead role (Sammy - Robbie's best friend)...on top of that I still need to organise guitar lessons...write a song for Music...Practice songs for the upcoming mass'/liturgy...I kinda brought it all on myself...Music requires so much time and commitment.

Well i'm coping now...but at the moment cadets is being left behind...haven't been for three-four weeks ): I used to love it...I still do I guess...it just takes up a lot of my time...I'm no genius so things just don't come to me very easily...I pretty much lose Tuesday nights...so all that potential work/study that could be done has been taken up by it...Because I get home at like 10pm ):

So let's recap all my time consuming extra curricular activities...1. Guitar/lessons 2. Musical 3. Mass/Liturgy practice 4. Cadets...Of course people have sporting commitments they must keep, which can be just as time-consuming...I'm not trying to make out that I do more than anyone else...I dunno I just consider this to be a lot of work/time that is taken up...

I've also scheduled an appointment with our schools careers counselor - Mrs Hogg - to further discuss how to get me into Duntroon (: I'll be closer to achieving my goals if I know how to do it.

Oh well...I'll be fine (: Just gotta put in the effort to achieve results and all that 'stuff' :|

anyways I have maths study for a test tomorrow and a narrative draft that needs to be written ):

Anyways i'll leave you with this inspirational poster I found on the net...Is quite funny for those of you who know your star wars (: I laughed...

if you can't read underneath it says 'Those really were the droids you were looking for'

P.S. Thanks for reading...Feel free to comment...I love seeing what people have to say about my blogs (:

26) her way...

why can't I just accept...I want her to be happy so I should just accept...That's all she's asking...And if I care for her like I always say do; like a friend, like a sister, like family...

Then I should just get over my wants...Yeh that makes sense...I guess I can agree that what I want is to not be a nuisance...to be the one that doesn't judge...to be there.

Another repetitive conversation...going around in circles putting you through it again...I can be pretty inconsiderate at times ):

Anyways i'm done for the day...Time to sleep and think...Not a good combination...but this is something that can't be helped I guess...To judge without judging, to act without acting, to accept without accepting.

25) I want my P's!!!

It seems with the only mode of transport which I control are my legs...Walking, jogging or running it's the the only way I can choose where I go...which is usually a radius of a few kilometers depending on where I am.

I envy those who have that much freedom...I just wish October would come sooner...I'm sick and tired of waiting for my parents to decided when and where...I want to be able to not bother them with my petty problems or need for a social life...To be able to just go anywhere without having to have a plan...to be able to just drive...

OH FUCK the glass covering on my room light just fell...GLASS EVERYWHERE miss my head by like a foot...WTF?

I must wrap this up as I need to go rid the carpet of the glass shards glittering my floor...

I WANT MY P'S!!!!!

24) a convenient friendship : |

I guess I do alot more talking on the computer than in person...On here I can be anyone I want, do anything I want...I dunno when i'm on here i'm protected by this glowing screen.

I'm kinda in a weird place at the moment, I feel like i'm stuck in the middle of the ocean, but I can't seem to swim anywhere because I can't make a decision on which way to go...It seems I've been challenging my friendships with the people closest me...always wanting more.

Why can't I just be content?

Well now that I've successfully ruined this friendship...what next? I suppose i'm not sorry that I told you...I'm relieved that I did...But it feels like (and I know this is gonna sound extremely cheesy and cliche) a part of me is missing. on the outside I guess things seem like they're getting back to 'normal' whatever that was.

I don't see you any differently...I guess I've always seen you one way...and that way has evolved and altered over the years but you've always been that beautiful, charismatic girl who spilled BBQ sauce on herself on our first night of cadets (: First impressions aye...

I hate that we hardly hang out because you'd think that you'd be leading me on...That you couldn't just tell me then when you suspected so...That You had to wait for me to say it...But I had to say it...You wouldn't wanna look like a fool now, would you? So many chances gone because of this...

but now that issue has gone...and you know that I don't think your leading me on...But we're not in any position to be hanging out with this whole me getting over you...I guess we had a convenient friendship...and now it's lost its convenience.

I suppose I'd be content if we talked more...but we don't, there's always hesitation...that's who you are...but it's so FUCKING frustrating that you'd make assumptions that we'd change cos we knew...That you don't trust enough to give them the chance to know...

...Fuck all these emotions, Fuck all these awkward feelings, Fuck this distance between us...Don't worry I won't let go (:

23) life goals.

lately I've been thinking a lot about my life...where I am and where I'm heading. It's rare for kid's my age to know what they want to do in life...There are so many options to those who achieve. I know that when I finish yr 12 and my HSC that I want to enlist in the AUSTRALIAN ARMY and become a general service officer (GSO)...but beyond that i'm not sure where i'll specialise...if i get in that is. I've considered the 'infantry corp'...but yeh i'll have to wait and see.

I know to get this i'll have to be physically and mentally fit...so that means I've gotta work to get to the required standards...I want to be able to fly through it...But that's just me I guess. If i get in, I'll be in it for 6 years minimum service...I'll be 24 by that time. But that's a long ways away.

I want to be married and have kids also...but i'm not sure how that works out in the army...I don't want a desk job...wasting my time inside doing paperwork or typing things on a computer - even though that's what my parents want me to do :s...I wanna travel around the world doing things that really make a difference in people's lives (:

I suppose those are my goals in life...Join the army and raise a family...wherever life takes me after that...I suppose I don't really care (:

P.S. I couldn't think of something else to write...felt bad about not having any posts up in the last couple of days...Had a lot on my mind...So i thought I'd tell you a little more about myself...I suppose if you think about it a persons goals is something that also defines them...I dunno (:

22) I can't promise this won't happen again.

you mean so much for me to let my selfish feelings destroy what took so long to create...and although I want you more than anything...I'll put those feelings in a box...and toss it out to sea...I know you 'never talk' about your feelings because you don't want them to burden me...But whether you like it or not, I can't help but already be burden by your unhappiness whether you show it or not.

Whether that box will reemerge someplace I cannot know...but for now they're under control...We've known each other for so very long...and I've subconsciously learnt to know when your unhappy...at times I wait for you to come to me...to tell me what's causing those lines...But I seem to wait forever in vain cos those words aren't gonna come out.

I just want you back in my life.

21) lost for words.

I didn't know what to say to you...I want so badly to tell you that these feelings are gonna go away and in time i'll be over it...But they're not, I'm not...It's gotten to that point where I don't know how to talk to you anymore, we've stopped talking, I see you, but i'm just...lost for words. Nothing but useless smalltalk and lame jokes now...Let's just take a step back.

I know what you are to me...But what am I to you?

20) I guess it's time to man up...

Well these are extracts from other blogs...they speak so much to me...I thought i'd show you...

"I’m constantly checking myself so as not to be a burden. Anything too heavy eventually gets dropped, no matter the cost. Let me be light as a feather, but valued enough so as to remain in a back pocket, until those jeans need washing and I find my place on a bedside table..."

A friend asked me..."Do you want regrets?"...I told him yes, they're much better than the 'what ifs' and the 'maybes'...

"...he struggles to come to terms with the fact that Rationality and Reason play larger roles in her life than he ever could"

He also asked me..."Do you want to look back sometime in your life and think, you let your heart decide the outcome and not human logic?"...And again I said Yes...however logic is not what makes us human...what makes us human is our hearts...

"...he seeks comfort in the concept of brief, brash contact, while Beauty seeks escape in the promises he makes under cover of dim moonlight and coffee-shop sound tracks; promises he would whole-heartedly keep if the situation called for such a thing..."

Then finally asked..."Do you hope to have situations, that no matter how bad, that will not be forgotten?"...and for the last time I said Yes...If it means getting what I truly want...

It's the start of a new week, it's time for change, it's time to go for it, it's time to tell her...it's time to man up.

19) just a random thought...

...easier said than done...in a world centered on physical appearance...it's hard not to care...everyday kid's are bombarded with 'what's hot' and 'what's not'...turning the new generation of global consumers into a bunch of mindless drones...incapable of shaping their own ideas...

*sigh*

what are you gonna do...when your very image is not your own...but subconsciously shaped, to fit into society's expectations...high expectations at that...you may as well shoot me down where I stand...cos I will not conform to them...what am I saying I already am...

break the cycle. break the chains. break the rules.

it's time to get to work.

18) just another day

*sigh* The things I do...

well tomorrow is just another day...another chance to tell the truth...why is it so hard to say how I feel?

I suppose being a guy contributes to not letting out you feelings...But I guess i'm not in the 'norm' I pretty much blurt out my thoughts every time I blog..Is a great feeling to get a post done...and to be satisfied with your effort...

But i'm not...There are things I want that seem out of my grasp...This particular dilemma I've found myself in, I thought was just a phase...a passing street...that would come and go all in due time...so I've been waiting but the street seems to go on forever...

It seems as if all other avenues and turn offs have been sealed shut...So for now i'm stuck with this feeling...that I can't seem to shake...I've tried other routes...but they all seem to lead back to this one...

Okay well now i'm just repeating myself...Better rap it up...

However dark the tunnels may be...your light will always shine for me...for though we may be apart tonight...I will always see you, my shining light xx

17) let's get started...

I've kinda spent most of the day thinking and contemplating...I woke up at 9 am this morning, hoping to get an early start on homework... thinking ahead you know...

But now it's 2:30 pm and I've gotten no where...I ended up watching 'Spiderman III' because I saw the add on t.v. for 'Spiderman I' and thought..."I haven't seen that in ages"...

I suppose that's were the 3 hours went...I did have lunch in those 3 hours as well...eating takes up a lot of time hahaha...But in about 2 and a half hours...i'm gonna have to go to work...won't be getting home till at least 9 - 9:30pm...

Well I better put in a solid couple of hours work before I have to leave...Wish me luck :)

The will to learn and the desire to achieve is what drive us 'youngsters'...in our quest to seek something better in life...Many of us have the same or similar goals but it's the way we go about achieving those goals are what defines us and make each and everyone of our journey's different...We cannot begin to fathom the inner working of each other's minds...when we can barely understand our own at times...

things are bound to happen...and when they do...don't judge or cristisise...but accept and acknowledge...it's all you can ever really do :)

"i'm here for you no matter what...there's nothing too small or too big...that you can't ever talk to me about...your my inspiration..."

16) regrets

I slept on the issues surrounding my mates...

Had a good think in bed...talk about a restless night :(

I suppose if anyones to blame it'd have to be me...my horoscope says I have to be responsible today...

I have decided to keep the Facebook conversation here...to remind me what happened...So if ever i'm feeling like this...

To not go about it the way I have...I don't regret what I said...but I regret how it ended...

Yes blogs are for expressing one's self...But the way I did it was really aggressive...And a little immature...I suppose this post is a self criticism of my actions...Which I tend to do a lot, just not in public...

I never intended for them to read this...got a few remarks saying it was lame...so I assumed they didn't read it...But if I post it on the net...I'm making it public...

Next time there's an issue I'll make more of an effort to talk...as long as they make more of an effort to listen...

Readers and fellow bloggers these are my mates...they got my back and I got theirs...

We all make mistakes...I made our argument public and so i'm making my apology public...They say it takes a stronger person to do so...But I don't feel any stronger.

p.s. the guys that I 'whited' out of the photo...Lewis, Josh and Fann...didn't think you'd want me to put your faces up if i didn't need too :)

p.s.s. I hate having to write these posts...they're lame and time consuming...but my friends are worth it.

15) mates? part 2: At a second glance

Thanks Matty Fav for speaking your mind and letting me know what the group was thinking...I've taken it into consideration and this is my response...

In the heat of the moment we lose sight of our true friends...and in the heat of the moment I lost sight of mine...

I was sooo angry, which may have caused this outburst...all my issues coming down on me at once and...BAM! Out comes verbal abuse...directed at one of my best mates...

I say some stupid things sometimes...We all do I guess...But I had just had enough...I suppose it wasn't the right day, the right time or the right moment...

So I blurted out 2 years of bottled up resentment...And at first it felt good...I was initially relieved that I had finally said what I longed to say...

But at what cost?

He didn't deserve it, no-one deserves it...to be humiliated...and that's how I feel a lot of the time...I just wanted to get the message through...

The message got through...a little too well.

Friendships, which took years to make...shattered in seconds...over a few heated words.

Just so you know Lads, this what I really think of you...Matt - Out of our small group your the only person who takes me seriously...however rare that is...Jono - I rarely get shit from you...and although we don't talk much...I appreciate the 'lack of' comments...Rhys - I suppose most of my anger was situated towards you...You never intentionally try to hurt me...but that's because your a little ignorant of other people's attitude sometimes...But you have good intentions...

Your all top blokes :)

Guys, I know we joke about stuff and sure it can be mutual...but there are some things that happen in the past (however amusing to you), that should stay in the past...Go crazy with the 'Asian' jokes...They don't bother me...but personal stuff...is crossing the line.

Don't worry I won't be coming back anytime soon...I think you'd prefer it if I wasn't around :) At least for now...

14) trusted?

I had a talk with one of my good friends recently....well I consider him a good friend now cos he told me about his past...

I've tried to get others to let me in...but in-particular the person who I want to let me in the most, won't...She believes I will see her 'differently'...

Well my other friend who has told me about his past and his current 'status'...has trusted me with a part of his life that has shaped who he is and why he's here now...and I don't think less of him for it...If anything I respect him sooo much more for trusting me with this...Thanks man :)

As of late i've been talkin to him about my problems and his been there to listen and offer advice like a good mate...and it's funny that I can talk to someone like that when I barely know them...but i'm glad they trust me enough to talk aswell...

Our history defines us...shapes who we are...our values...our morals...accepting and understanding the past is the key to moving on into the future :) That's all I wanna do; accept, understand and move on...

13) incapable of being trusted...

Ever had that feeling that your unwanted by the people who you want? I spent a lot of the day alone...sat away from my usual friends...Just feeling pretty down on life....Friends that don't care whether your around or not? Being someone else when your around them so that you can fit in...It can be so tiring somedays...Would life have been better if I'd never bothered to connect with them...

Giving her your all, hoping you might just get a some affection back...and feeling down when she's given It to another guy...Kills me inside when I can't do anything about it...so instead I just get up and walk away...I just want her to be happy and if it means this? Then there's not much I can do? I try to help where I can, and sometimes I go beyond just to get them to let me in...but then i'm faced with a wall...with concrete foundations, a barbed wired top and guards disguised as lies.

On a lighter note...well less heavy I suppose...I've found myself very productive today...Sitting away from people in class has helped me focus, maybe I should just do it a little more often? But I couldn't help but find myself sitting and staring blankly at my page... because a certain person was on my mind...Who usually relax's my thoughts but turned out to cause a little more heartache because I was unable to make her happy?

12) mates?

Wow, I just went off at one of my so called 'mates'...

You see my profile photo has caused some controversy and sparked alotta comments; the way I take photos, how lame it is, why did i do it?...Just the general shit that gets thrown at me everyday I'm at school...

Yes I agree everyone gets a few jokes directed at them every once and a while but I get a few a day, I wait for my so called 'friends' to come up with the next way to laugh at me or embarrass me...

Today they were targeting my facebook photo, saying shit like "hey antho trying to be a model or sumthin?" or something like that...I would just smile and laugh, I only do this because I know if i yell at them in-front of everyone else it'll make me look like a sissy and them look like tools...

So instead I let them make fun of me, lowering my self-esteem what little there is when i'm around them and making me look like a loser in-front of all my other classmates...

Well this just happened to be one too many...(you can just see what I said)

Rhys Voysey

are u gonna put that on your modeling website antho?

41 minutes ago · Report

Anthony Ta

go fuck yourself...i mean the joke was funny for like a minute...

Heaps of other guys take photos like that, but I seemed to be the only one criticised...

you need to grow up...I'm sick of taking this shit from you guys...you didn't like being called 'slow' so I stopped...show some common courtesy for fuck's sake

38 minutes ago ·

Rhys Voysey

gee sorry man.

33 minutes ago · Report

Anthony Ta

I fucken put on a smile so you guys don't look like tools and I cop all that shit...

talk about cheap laughs...I've got enough to fucken worry about without people who are suppose to be my friends judging me all the time...I get that enough from my parents I don't need it from you.

38 minutes ago ·

11) how?

Sitting through the Yr 11 information evening and subsequently the Yr 10 one...I had literally a hundred ideas of what I intended to write...I raced into my room and sat down type...then...BAM! They got up and left...fantastic :(

Sometimes I wish I could pause time to stop, think, reassess, re-valuate, redo, revive, relax...

If I could I would spend more time with the person I love...

Maybe even catch up on work...if i can...

There's so much work...I find myself staring at a blank screen...hoping that if I close my eye's really tight...that when I open them it'll all be done :|As much as I seem to do there's always more...

I seem to just worry and worry and worry and worry and worry...till I lay down to sleep and my thoughts race through my mind never allowing myself to achieve some sort of mental clarity...

lately my comfort at night has been texts from a certain someone, they know who :) she's allowed me to sleep soundly at night, put my mind at ease...It's nice knowing that someones thinking about you...I lye in bed waiting for the light to emit from my phone and her name to appear...and the '1 new message' to pop up :)

Her comfort is only temporary though...as my workload increases the warm fuzzy feelings fade into nothingness...I need to get a permanent solution...but i don't know if one even exists :|

I know what, I know when, I know where, I even know who...but I don't know how.